Internet Weirdos

I just spent 15 minutes sitting in the drive-thru section of MacDonalds waiting for one burger, and one apple pie.  So much for fast food.  But while I was there I had plenty of time to think.  I was chiding myself for being slack and not posting a blog here for a while.  So, after giving myself a good telling off and self-flagellating myself over my slackness by spilling piping hot apple down my cleavage, here's my post.

I want to talk about people I've come across on the net.  I have to say I've come across some absolute batshit crazy weirdos, and some just plain strange (and hopefully harmless) people on the net.  So I'm going to list them and hope that they don't happen upon this post, recognise themselves, and come after me  with a chainsaw in a fit of psychotic revenge.  This list isn't complete - I've probably forgotten half the loonies I've come across, but the ones that really stand out, I'll include.

Many moons ago, when I was a single mum, broke (I'm still broke but no longer single!), and the kids had gone off on the weekend to visit their dad, I'd sit at home and chat on Yahoo.  I'd visit all sorts of chat rooms - Aussie ones, local ones, foreign ones, religious and spiritual, even karaoke rooms!  There's a few unwritten rules which have developed around chat rooms over the years.  One of them is, according to men, if a woman is in a chat room with a webcam on, it is to have cybersex and to get her tits out.  That's rubbish of course, and if my cam were on I'd be inundated with requests from pervy men who were disappointed when they realised I was just there to chat, and I had all my clothes on.  Another  unwritten rule, at least in the Aussie rooms, is that if you private message another woman (just to chat), that woman will think you're a raging lesbian after some girl on girl action. So it's impossible to chat to another woman just to make friends as they won't even answer you (if they're straight - if they're a lesbian I'm sure they'd be happy to!).

Anyway, I digress.  Back to the internet weirdos.

Animal loving chef guy

Only this guy loved animals for all the wrong reasons.  He told me that he liked to kill the animals he cooked up in his restaurant himself.  Which is fairly weird in itself, but then he went on to tell me that he likes to make the animal's death long and painful, because the longer they suffer, the tastier the meat, due to some hormones or adrenaline or some such shit, which their body produces as they suffer. Next!

 Instant wedding geek

This bloke had been chatting to me for all of, oh, maybe five minutes, before he revealed his plans to whisk me away for a romantic wedding at a castle in Ireland - he had photos, music etc of his 'dream wedding'.  He asked me if I wanted any more kids, what kind of wedding food I'd like, would I prefer a limo or a horse drawn carriage.  He also said he had about 20 computers set up in his attic collecting data for SETI. 

I've since heard that Bill Gates is now happily married and has a kid and is living happily ever after in a castle sized home of his own...

Just kidding.  At least I don't think it was him...

Next!

Adult baby guy

Him: A/S/L (in chat speak that stands for age/sex/location)

Me: 35, female, Australia - u?

Him: 45 m australia.  Before we go any further (me, thinking: eh?  any further with what?!) I need to tell you - I like to dress up as a baby and be treated like an infant.  Does that bother you?

Me: (thinking WTF?!!!)  Erm...yes it does, very much.

Him:  Okay, well, bye.

His username was something like bubby_boy_au.  I looked up his profile on Yahoo.  It had a pic of him in a diaper, sucking his thumb, and links to other sites that had information about adult babies fetishes.  Eek.  I'd just gotten my last child out of nappies and had thrown a party complete with a fireworks display, marching band  and RAF formation fly-over to celebrate the fact that I'll never have to buy or change another nappy again.

Next!

Feet loving dude

This guy kept turning the conversation around to my feet, no matter what.  If I asked him what he did for a living, he'd say, 'plumber - do you like to walk through mud in your bare feet?'  Eventually I twigged, and said 'you wouldn't happen to have a foot fetish would you?'  He answered 'yeah I do - how did you know?'

Next!

Necrophiliac bloke

Okay, this guy I didn't meet in chat - he joined our forum, but this was weird so it'd be remiss of me to leave him out of the list.  Pure and simple - he fantasized about having sex with corpses.  I have no idea if he's done it for real or not, but the fact that it even enters his mind is just weird.  Needless to say, he was eventually banned from the forum.

The 'I don't know why women don't like me' arsehole

I spent a couple of minutes trying to bolster this poor guy's confidence in himself until I worked out why women want nothing to do with him.  He said he couldn't understand why women didn't want to go out with him.  He proceeded to whine about how women are bitches, and  I told him not all are.  Somewhere in his pity party he basically told me that the only reason why men would talk to me is because they thought I'd be an easy lay and I'd be desperate enough to have sex with them because I was divorced, in my thirties, and dreading the competition: the younger, more attractive women would get all the good guys, and I'd be desperate for what's left.  Or something along those lines.  "No offense", he said.  Yeah right, none taken, you judgemental negative, depressing, boring ass.  I ended up telling him that women don't want to go out with him because he's whiney, self obsessed, rude and tactless.  He didn't believe me of course.

So this list isn't comprehensive - the internet is full of absolute weirdos.  I did make some really lovely friends online though, including one of my best mates ever.  I may update this post as I come across more weirdos, which, knowing the internet, I'm sure to do.